Saving A Marriage Depression After An Affair Ends

Divorce may be sad, but that doesn't mean you have to let yourself fall into a spiral of depression that you can't get out of ever again. Divorce is a reason why many men and women alike find their selves fighting depression. Depression is a problem when you rely on another person, and your marriage ends. Splitting up can be difficult. The changes in your life can feel as if they are overwhelming but with the right treatments, they dont have to be. Realize that for some, divorce is the best option especially if there are children involved.

Depression treatments are available for those suffering from depression due to a divorce. Remember, children are affected by divorce too. This type of treatment could be short term, depending again, on the individual and their personality. If you are a strong willed person, and are finding that depression is seemingly overwhelming you, you can get a hold on it, and put your life back in order. Treatments for depression could include natural methods, therapy, rest and relaxation, group therapy, and even medications. Every person is a bit different in regards to changes in life, and how these changes are handled. Children need special attention during a divorce. Let them know that you still love them.

Relationships as long as a marriage should not be broken off easily and without much forethought. There is no limited to those who could suffer with depression. The main symptoms that a person will notice involving depression are those of feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, and even unworthy of living. If you are feeling different after a major break up or divorce, this is because you are different, your life is different. If you feel that you just cant handle it anymore, that you need help, you most likely are suffering from depression. Depression is brought about often times, by major changes in life. If you are sure you are getting divorced, and you need a little assistance in handling the situation, you can seek help by visiting with your family doctor. At the very least, they can give you some options for you to consider.

Frequently Asked Questions

  1. QUESTION:
    Can a 30 yr marriage be saved after infidelity?
    My husband (known since age 15) and I are married 30yr-he lost his job just before his 50th b'day...and while unemployed met an affluent younger woman who is well known for 'toying' with married men,,,a new man each season. My spouse became smitten, while I worked OT; thought his behavior was depression vs guilt. 6wks later the woman demanded he leave or he'd she'd tell all---I got the call.He left. He lived w/her...but romanced me claiming it to be a disaster-but I had fallen apart. He did leave (but she assures she threw him out) and return home-I found out for 3 months he was still trying 2 contact her. She now has a new husband, BUT let the air out of my husbands tires 1 nite just 2 have a talk with him. Now I have loved him forever-he does not act like himself since meeting her...he is more toxic 2 me...AND she has pressed Criminal Charges against me 4 harassing her-I was driving home from work-she pulled in front of me & I just continued-& yes I was arrested,he won't come 2 court

    • ANSWER:
      Hi there,

      You have had so many answers to your question already but I think the answers that people are giving you aren't really that helpful.

      My opinion is that yes, I do think that after 30 years of marriage you can salvage this marriage but only if your husband is wanting to do that with you. If he doesn't then there is nothing you can do but to accept that he now wants a different future and one without you as painful as that is.

      After losing his job, it is possible that he feels totally dejected and worthless because no longer does he feel that his skills and abilities are worth anything to anyone else and explains why he went chasing after the young woman perhaps?. We will not know why he did what he did and although she did wrong knowing that he was married, your husband still made the decision to have the affair with her even if it were a mistake.

      This kind of woman does not sound a very happy kind of person and is someone that will end up very lonely if she continues to behave in the way she does around men and she will get a reputation the longer she chooses to live her life like this. I would say that it is cry for help when people have affairs and have sex with different people and because they are hiding behind other things going on inside of them. In a way, it is liking trying to get power when we feel powerless to change something and it sounds like this woman does what she does because of this.

      Anyway, let's forget about her for the moment and focus upon the condition of your marriage that is more important right now. I am pretty sure that your husband has hit what they call a mid-life crisis and this can happen from 40 plus onwards and more so when something comes along to make that happen such as the loss of a job. His confidence will be shattered by this and as he is still fairly young at 50 and still in his working age years, that loss of his job must have been the worst kind of experience he has yet had to ever face.

      This does not mean that this excuses his decision to have an affair with the woman he went after nor does it make it acceptable that he goes off to have a love affair. He is a married man and knows right from wrong and the marriage vows he took with you and the importance of them. This will inevitabley cause you to feel betrayed and extremely cheated upon when you have given to him a faithful and committed marriage all throughout. He may or may not want to admit to causing you the kind of pain you feel, but if he does want what is left of the marriage then he will have to make ammends by being very open with you about why he did what he did and if this means that he values and or respects you more?.

      If he is being 'toxic' with you then that would indicate to me that he does not feel sorry for what he has done to you and the marriage and also says a lot about the way he does not value nor respect you more. I would say that he is not happy with you and wants to live an independent and seperate life from what you have written and you cannot force him to stay with you if he is going to leave you either to be alone or to be with this woman or another one. This is awful for you and very sad to read, but it sounds like to me that if he does stay in this marriage, he will resent you and treat you badly because he will only be staying out of gratitude and nothing more.

      He does not sound like someone you could trust and rely on to provide you with the security and happiness you need and deserve and the fact that even after discovering he was having an affair, he did not stop it and contiuned to lie and cheat just to keep the peace. This man is not deserving of a wife if he isn't prepared to be a husband and a faithful one at that and if you are going to be sympathetic to his cause and not be angry with him or try and leave him, he will continue to treat you in the ways he has already even though he doesn't seem to have a history of cheating on you. There is always a first time!

      I would say that the elaborate story he has told you and what you have come to learn about their affair, I would try not to read into the details of what he did and what she did but the fact that they both chose to have the affair regardless. They knew you were married to him and knew the consequences if found out. This did not stop either of them and the affair even after discovering what was taking place. It sounds to me as if your husband does not respect you at all and he cannot blame the loss of his job for what he has done to you and is now being horrid to you for it.

      I would be very tempted to divorce him if it were me and because I would want him to respect and value me and to see that I am not going to be treated in this way. If he cares anything about you, he will either want a divorce from you so that he does not hurt you again or to go to heaven and back to make this marriage work and he is doing neither but to blame you and treat you as if you are the problem. If you tolerate your husband's behaviour like you are now, he will abuse your trust again and because he is capable and able of doing that and shows no signs of regret.

      If you like yourself enough, I would either get a divorce or make him choose between that or that he works on the marriage and works through his personal issues so that he is dealing with the problems underneath the behaviour. This is not just about infidelity, it is also about your husband who is unhappy with some aspect of himself or his life and he needs to start to look at what those issues are that have caused the infidelity to happen. He has done the affair thing for a reason and that reason is because he wanted to run away from things going on inside of himself and until he stops and faces it head on, he will continue to be unhappy and possibly abuse you and the relationship further.

      As for the woman, I would let her do what she wants and what damage she creates to you or your property, she will be the one paying for it not you. Do nothing to react to this woman and get yourself some outside support by joining a victim support group and get some help and advice and support for yourself because no one should have to go through what you are alone. Your husband should be the one having her prosecuted and if she is the one guilty for all that he has accussed her of then he would have no problems getting her arressted or taken to court for her behaviour. Whose side is he on?.

      Your husband is meant to be your best friend, ally and everything you would expect him to be in times of crisis and if he is not supporting you but her, then there is something very wrong and he is allowing this woman to frighten you and terrorize you and your home. He has to report her and get her arressted if he has no feelings for her and respects and loves you more. If he is allowing her to do what she is doing by not doing anything about it , then he is not much of a friend let alone a husband and yes, I would get a divorce from this kind of man.

      You do not deserve to go through this and if anything is going to work, it will be your strength in getting out of this marriage as soon as you possibly can. I truly feel very awful for you and want to give you pipe-dreams but that would be wrong of me because I have to tell you the truth from the way you have told it. This is no marriage to be proud of and to feel happy and secure in and you cannot make him work at it if he is punishing you for the things he has done wrong to you. He will make you very unhappy over time to come and leave you once again if he has already done it once.

      Start to re-build your life again and do the things you would like to have done but haven't because the marriage has taken up so much of your life. Invest in yourself for once and get some self-esteem and confidnce back again. It is never too late to change anything in your life and if your husband sees that you are not going to sit around letting this situation affect you the way it is then the more inclined he will be to want to work at the relationship with you. But bear in mind that once trust has been broken, the harder it will be to restore that no matter what happens from now on.

      Just look out for you and leave your husband to figure out what he is going to do and get on with your life and your buisness and if he does want to be with you and is serious enough about it, he will come running once he sees that you are not going to allow it to affect you in the ways it has done. Of course this is painful, but share the tears with someone you know who can listen to you and comfort you or with someone outside of your circle of friends who is neutral. Your husband will start to value you the more absent you become from him and make him work harder at being your friend.

      He has to get to know you again and as someone he did when you first met for instance if he is going to see you in the light you want him to. This just means having your own time for yourself and getting to know you again where the marriage has always taken over who you are. You have to want to be an individual in this marriage if it is going to last and he has to see that there are aspects of you that are not all reliable and if he knows that you get upset when he does something bad, do something different to that but make sure it is what you want to do. He has to start treating you with more respect if he wants you and th emarriage to work and he can only do this if you do not allow him to hurt you in the ways he has already.

      Sorry this is so long but this is the advice you need and hopefully you will at least find some comfort in what someone has to say. It can work but only if he wants it to and you.

  2. QUESTION:
    How can I save this marriage?
    I have been with my husband for 15 years...we dated for 7 years, married for 7 years and have been separated and living apart for the past year. We have a 4 year old daughter. He is living several states away and has a job that involves travel every day of the week. About 2 years into our marriage we had a miscarriage and following that my husband had an affair with a married co-worker. When I found out it devastated me and I went into a downward spiral. About 5 months later I became pregnant unexpectedly. We agreed we loved each other and wanted to work it out. But we struggled over the next couple of years with trust issues, depression, jealousy, doubt. Last year I found out my husband was having a 2nd affair with another married coworker. I angrily confronted him and packed his bags and he left. The past year he has progressed greatly in his affair with this woman. I have told him I love him and am sorry for the past and want to save our marriage and family. He has rejected me. Help
    I know his behavior is wrong. I know my daughter and I deserve better..I just want better from him. Infidelity was always something I feared because I did not thing I could handle that. My husband was my best friend and the first affair devastated me beyond belief. I know I was wrong in not having a forgiving spirit and for holding a grudge and being angry and depressed. And he did continue to have problems with honesty. He would lie about anything to avoid conflict. And every time it was a setback in trust. The thing is, we both have made mistakes. Why can't we both find a way to forgive each other and move past this, especially for our child's sake. I know he loved me...which is why it is so hard to understand or make sense of this. He is so infatuated with his mistress that he puts them not only before our marriage but before his own daughter. He bailed out on his weekend to come and see his child to stay with his mistress and lied he was at home sick. I know it sounds hopeless.

    • ANSWER:
      Bag lady you gone miss your bus, you cant hurry up cause you got too much stuff...

      One of my favorite songs by Erykah Badu... What I am trying to say is, he is now dead weight to you. He has cheated, and has expressed no interest in being married to you. I am so sorry this has happened to you but honey I dont honestly see any way that your marriage can be saved when he doesnt also want it to be. He rejected you, he doesnt want to be married to you, and there is nothing that you can do to convince him. There is nothing that you can do to win him back or sway him, and furthermore you really shouldnt be trying. The man who loves you will not need all this to be with you, he wont need you pressuring and pleading and trying alone because he will be trying right along with you.

      I say, get some therapy and work on healing and let him go. you take care of YOU for the sake of your babies... It absolutely sucks ass that men get to be jerks and cheaters and have these seemingly fun lives while mom gets stuck with the children and the stress and the emotional burden and baggage.

      Bag lady you gon hurt your back
      draggin' all them bags like that
      I guess nobody ever told you how
      All you must hold on to is you, is you, is you

      One day all them bags gon get in your way
      one day all them bags gon get in your way
      I said one day all them bags gon get in your way

      So pack light, hooo hooo
      Let it go let it go let it go let it go... I wish you the best honey... I really do. I dont know what the hell I would do in your situation. Surround yourself with strong and positive women who can help you and support you. It will be tough but its far better to let it go and heal than to allow him to continue to cheat and hurt you... oh and honey RIP HIM TO SHREDS IN COURT!!! Gather your strength and make him pay! sorry to be so vindictive at the end of an otherwise sweet and throughtful comment....

  3. QUESTION:
    Sexless Marriage and depression - Cheating?
    I am married about 4 years back to my beautiful wife. Since past three years things changed. Because of family affairs involving my in-laws.... she lost trust in me, because I support my parents also financially. She does not speak to my mom and has even abused her. My mom was in depression seeing my life since last two years... But since three years it was reflecting on our sexual life.. We would have hardly had about 4 - 5 time sex in the last 3 years. Now she is in India and most of the time I am alone. I have tried to talk to her and also to her parents, but its all in vain. repeated attempts of talking only went worse...!
    My wife does not appreciate me or like to stay with me here in Germany and feels she will be happy with her parents. I come from a good family and divorce is not an option. It will upset my parents further... I have managed a show like this for past three years...
    I admire women's beauty and the last days I had a deep sex urge which finally motivated me to go first time to a brothel. It was great but now I am so much depressed - think I should not have done that. I want to say this to my wife and never ever repeat it - as the emotional stress I am going through is too much. If I say it then my in laws will create so much fuss over this and my parents will be shocked. My father in law being influential will attack my parents... My depression makes me feel worse and like to kill myself. Its ok for sexless marriage to continue on for me now than feeling so much hurt...
    I am loosing my health because of this stress and anxiety. I will be looked down by everybody now as a cheater... I wish God save me and need some moral support. I also expect people to abuse me, but they are welcome and I believe it will put more sense in to me...! If ever my wife has given me a lot of emotional support and stood by me, I never would have ended up like this.... I was loving her so much and gave her anything she asked for. But there is no sense of passion or deep love among us as she feels her parents come over me to her first. The feeling is so bad that it hurts me crazy. I feel so good to see when other couples love each other and wish I too have these wonderful experience. I am desperate and need some help and advice...
    Career wise I am doing too good and I am respected by everyone... But I am abused by my wife.. because when she sometimes hurt me as good for nothing and ask me to learn from her cousin brothers. With all this emotional issues I am sure we will never enjoy sex...
    I never ever intend to do this again... but I some how cant over come my guilt.... Do I still have a chance to recover from this guilt? or should I end it all...? Please help me...!
    I am so thankful to the few answers below. God Bless you are all so kind to reply my question... Your kindness is motivating me and I think as GK advised I will go for a marital counseling....

    • ANSWER:
      A sexless marriage is abuse. Keep a dairy in which you record what happens on a day to day basis. Hire a lawyer. Do not cheat. Your feelings and actions are consistent with your experience. Divorce is the correct option. What you are experiencing could be a common problem. Your greater fear is not the divorce itself. Lots of people know divorce happens. There is less stigma now The main problem is that India is still locked in old laws, because of legit cases of abuse/female victims the law is skewed in favor of women. It does not recognize unfairness towards man. And this results in more harassment towards the man and his family. None the less the younger generation understands. There is Absolute non-sense going on.
      * Some percentage of indian women are lesbians in denial
      * A very small percentage are asexual
      * A significant proportion of heterosexuals women have FSD
      * In moral prudishness, some dismiss and reject sex.
      * Some indian woman perceives that she is the giver of a sex, than as a mutual or relationship requirement.
      * Rampant materialism, without being unable to desire a man for his maleness, Some Indian women have invested their sexuality in materialistic exchange.
      * others have excessive passive aggressive behaviors and lack of conflict resolutions skills, which is a form of domestic violence/Abuse
      * Most woman like men have been brought up in rigid authoritarian households, and so affectionate traction skills are diminished or is feel technique as weak. They have not ingrained the ability to discuss an annoyance from male, assert a stand, while at the same time be loving.
      * The families of most indian women have been prevented woman from interacting with men since adolescent year, until marriage and so some women have not developed healthy interaction behaviors with male intimate partners.
      All is not dismal, the good news is that there is plenty of women who are all right,

      Also we do not know her side of the story, but men also have several lacunae often expected wife's to look after home. Domestic responsibilities are shared regardless of earner status. Being in germany you should know that these things done by men are not right.

      Normally I would say seek marital counselling, both her actions and yours have crossed the line.

      Do not cheat. It undermines the legitimacy of your stand, and sympathies you can get. Get a divorce. Save your life. Earlier the better. There is marital income that gets divided. Earlier you file smaller the severance.

      Read a book called Rebuilding: when your relationship ends. by bruce fisher.

      start dating women it will heal. Do not give into mysogyny. There are women both Indian and Non Indian who are loving, sexual, and looking for a good man. Women have identical problems with men and incur even more abuse.

      Whenever possible join/advocate for men's rights in India. Not only men, but also good humanist women who know male-abuse exists. Men keep mute because men think they are supposed to endure, or that society will look down as if they are wimpering. No, this problem is REAL. Once you come through write, blog, meet, talk, spread awarenes and share expereince so as to help other men, and to change societies perspectives.

  4. QUESTION:
    has anyones marriage survived cheating?
    I have found out that my husband of 3 years has cheated on me once again, I want to know if anyone out there has been through this and sort help in getting their marriage back on track and the marriage is still going strong.... PLEASE NO NEGATIVE COMMENTS I KNOW I AM STUPID FOR STAYIN FOR THE FIRST TWO!!!!!!!!!!
    I should metion that my husband has provided well for my children and me but he is working away from hom for 18months his reasons for doing this is he is lonely....should I accept this? He has said he needs help and is willing to get counselling for our marriage and personal issues.

    • ANSWER:
      Although there is no justification for cheating, statistics say that about 50% couples have cheated on his/her spouse. But when your unfaithful spouse gives you an excuse for cheating, it is simply a way to personally justify the behavior and to feel more at ease with the decision to cheat. Why your spouse cheated on you is something you may never really know for sure. There are no simple answers or reasons. There are lots of excuses given by cheaters.

      You are Not to Blame - If your spouse has been cheating on you, realize that you are not to blame, you are not a mind reader, and although the two of you were in the same marriage, your spouse made the decision to cheat. People who are unfaithful are selfish. It is easier for them to cheat and to leave than it is to work on their marriage.

      Don't Obsess Over Excuses - Don't obsess over the excuses you may hear from your unfaithful spouse. They are just words and personal justifications for your mate's hurtful behavior.
      Regardless of the reasons given for being unfaithful, the bottom line is that your spouse has cheated.

      An Affair Doesn't Mean the End of a Marriage - That doesn't mean your marriage is doomed. It does mean that your marriage needs help. Whether or not your marriage can survive infidelity depends on whether or not you both are willing to seek counseling and to move forward.

      Excuses are Just Words
      The "Our Marriage was Already Over" Type of Cheating Excuses
      The "It's All your Fault" Type of Cheating Excuses
      The "It's All My Fault" Type of Cheating Excuses
      The "Grass is Greener" Type of Cheating Excuses

      What You Do Need to Know - Here is what you do need to know in order to save your marriage after an affair.
      How long has the extramarital affair been going on?
      Has your spouse had more than one affair? If so, how many affairs?
      Was there a strong emotional bond in this affair?
      Is the affair over?
      Do both of you want to save your marriage?

      You have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. But you still fill sick inside when you think about the affair. Here's what you can do to get beyond the hurt, forgive your unfaithful spouse, and save your marriage.

      Here's How:
      1. Don't make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognized and dealt with.

      2. Feelings are neither right or wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal.

      3. Take care of yourself. You may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulting concentrating and not wanting to eat or binge eating.

      4. Balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water and to have some fun.

      5. It's okay and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful spouses.

      6. Tears are healthy too. If they aren't coming naturally, put on some blues type music or watch a sad movie.

      7. Begin a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about your spouse's unfaithfulness.

      8. Ask all the questions you want.Talk with your spouse about the infidelity. However, you may have to accept that your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place.

      9. Seek counseling if required. Don't try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone.

      10. Try not to get into the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity. It's just wasted energy. That includes blaming the third party. It won't change anything.

      11. You may have post-traumatic stress. If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can.

      12. It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful mate. Don't expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away just because you've tried to forgive your spouse and made a commitment to save your marriage.

      13. Get practical. Look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc.

      Tips:
      1. There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage, it could relate to something in your spouse's past. You may never truly know why it happened.

      2. Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier. Was it a one-night stand or an affair? Due to a mid-life or life crisis? A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?

      3. Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.

      4. The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.

      5. Think twice before you tell your family or your spouse's family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time.

      What You Need - Time, Sleep, Healthy diet, Exercise, Drink plenty of water, some entertainment and Laughter.

      Now after having taken precautions to protect you. This is what you do - give him an ultimatum: "Either you stop or it's over between us." Tell him that even though his "flings" are meaningless to him, they give you tremendous pain. If he truly cares for you, he won't take your threat lying down. But, if you dilute an ultimatum by going back on it, you lose your power position and he'll continue dipping and snacking on the side and treat you as 'Dirt'.

      Once both of you have started coming to terms with the emotions that have come up because of the cheating and extramarital affair, you will need to begin communicating about and exploring rebuilding your relationship. This is often difficult and the truth is that it isn't always easy. But there is a way you can do it. The cornerstone of rebuilding your relationship is one simple concept communication.

      Intimate relationships are built on communication. Talking to one another is one of the main ways we come to know each other. If you don't talk to your partner, there is no way to know how they think or feel. There is no way to know what they want. In essence, there is no foundation on which to build a lasting relationship. This means that if you want to completely heal from the destruction the affair has caused, you are going to need to talk with your partner about your relationship. And you are going to need to talk with them a lot.

      Together you will need to explore every aspect of your relationship. And you will need to agree on ways that you can start building your relationship into what you always wanted it to be. When couples start talking again, one of the first questions that comes up is whether or not they should discuss the affair.
      A lot of people seem to think that they should talk about the extramarital affair or infidelity if they are going to move forward. But the truth is that this isn't always necessary. You may be surprised to learn that you don't have to talk about the affair in order to heal from the pain you are feeling and create a relationship that is better than ever.

      Remember, when you are healing from an affair, the process is about what you need. There are no right or wrong answers. You don't have to do anything. Listen to your inner voice. Pay attention to your own needs. You know what you need better than anyone. If you do choose to talk about the affair, here are some Tips for Talking about the extramarital affair or infidelity:

      1. The first thing you want to do if you are going to discuss the affair is request complete honesty from your partner. If you decide that you need to hear about the details of the affair, then you can't expect your partner to hold back or to tell you what you want to hear.

      2. That being said, a discussion about the affair should always be initiated by the injured partner, and it should be structured as a question and answer session where the injured partner asks questions and the cheater answers those questions.

      3. This is not a place for the cheater to vent about the affair or to share details about it that the injured has not specifically asked for. The cheater should show some restraint. They should not expand their answers beyond what the injured has asked, and they should not offer information that wasn't specifically requested.

      4. You should be careful what you ask for. You just might get it. If you request complete honesty from your partner, expect them to give it to you. That means you should be really careful in choosing which questions you want to ask.

      5. Don't jump the gun and ask for information you will later regret. I specifically suggest you stay away from questions that are comparative in nature. These are questions like:
      Was she a better lover than me?
      Did she do things in bed that I don't do?
      Do you enjoy spending time with her more than me?

      6. Questions like this tend to go nowhere. They don't resolve any real issues and they just build up resentment. If you have any doubt about the question you are considering, I recommend writing it down and carrying it around with you for a while. This way you have the time to consider whether or not it is a question you truly need an answer to.

      Love tests in the social sphere (Spiritual aspect) - Spiritual challenges come in many forms, but they all share one common objective: to test our ability to make a higher choice when tempted to make lower one. What's particularly useful about social challenges -- as opposed to other kinds of spiritual tests -- is that they are tests of LOVE. They test all of love's essential components: forbearance; forgiveness; affinity; compassion; etc. Harmony in ANY kind of relationship depends on our ability to effectively develop and use those spiritual qualities.

      In each social incident, will we respond from a spiritual perspective? Will we handle the gains and pains, the elations and frustrations, of our social ups and downs with equanimity? Will we remain constructive in all our interpersonal interactions? Each annoyance, each headache, each heartache we encounter in relationship calls us to summon up a deeper love, a stronger commitment to remain loving REGARDLESS. No one can expect to be perfect, but every soul SEEKS perfection. Relationship admirably supports that quest.

      Good Luck>r

  5. QUESTION:
    Can you help me solve a marriage problem?
    I just found out through my step son that my Husband cheated on me

    • ANSWER:
      I am so sorry to hear about this. So - you just realized that your spouse has been unfaithful & cheated on you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like a ton of bricks. You have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. You still feel sick inside when you think about the affair. Here's what you can do to get beyond the hurt, forgive your unfaithful spouse, & save your marriage (if that is what you want to do).

      1. Don't make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than the infidelity that need to be recognized & dealt with.

      2. Feelings are neither right or wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression & confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal. Take care of yourself. You may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shaking, difficulty concentrating & not wanting to eat or even binge eating.

      3. Balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water & to have some fun.

      4. It's okay & healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache & unfaithful spouses. Tears are healthy too. If they aren't coming naturally, put on some blues type music or watch a sad movie.

      5. Begin a journal. Write down your thoughts & feelings about your spouse's unfaithfulness. Ask all the questions you want. Talk with your spouse about the infidelity. However, you may have to accept that your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place. Seek counseling. Don't try to get through coping with the infidelity alone. See a therapist that specializes in infidelity.

      6. Take it one day at a time. Both you & your spouse should be tested for AIDS / HIVS & STD's before you resume sexual intimacy without protection. Consider what boundaries you need in your marriage in order to stay in the marriage. Contact an attorney & get these documented in a post-nuptial agreement. It helps to write everything down so that each of you knows what is expected of the other. As a condition of the marriage continuing, insist that your spouse attend marriage counseling with you (you can make this part of the legal document).

      7. Your children need to know that you are going to be okay. You can't hide the fact that you are going through a trauma. Be honest with your children, but don't weigh them down with details about how your spouse cheated on you. Don't make promises that you can't keep. Don't tell them about the infidelity. Don't say bad things about each other. Try not to get into the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity. It's just wasted energy. That includes blaming the third party. It won't change anything.

      8. You may have post-traumatic stress. If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, & continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can.

      9. It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful mate. Don't expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion & limbo, & the mistrust to go away just because you've tried to forgive your spouse & made a commitment to save your marriage.

      10. Get practical. Look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc.

      Tips:

      1. There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage, it could relate to something in your spouse's past. You may never truly know why it happened.

      2. Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier. Was it a one-night stand or an affair? Due to a mid-life or life crisis? A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage? Was it because of drugs ?

      3. Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.

      4. The stages of death & dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression & acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be renewed & strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.

      5. Think twice before you tell your family or your spouse's family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time, & it is really no one else's business.

      Peace

  6. QUESTION:
    My husband had an affair after we were married a year. Should I really try to save my marriage?
    What are some ways I can cope?

    • ANSWER:
      The initial discovery of an extramarital affair can trigger a range of powerful emotions for both partners shock, rage, shame, depression, guilt, remorse. Both members of the couple may cycle through all of these emotions many times in a single day one minute vowing to end the marriage and the next wanting desperately to save it. At this point, it's important to take one step at a time:

      Get support. For your own well-being, seek support from family, friends, a pastor or counselor people you trust and feel comfortable with. Talking about your feelings with those you love can help you cope with the intensity of the situation. Objective support can help you clarify what you're feeling and put the affair into perspective. However, avoid confiding in people who you know will take sides this tends to increase the emotional intensity of the situation.
      Give each other some space. Both partners need a break from the emotional stress generated by the discovery of an affair. Although difficult, experts advise taking a "timeout" when emotions are running high.
      Take time. Avoid delving into the intimate details of the affair with your partner at first. Postpone such discussions until you can talk without being overly accusatory or destructive. Take time to absorb the situation. You may need to air out your feelings with someone who is a good listener before you can have a constructive conversation with your spouse.

      nfd

  7. QUESTION:
    Want to save my parents marriage.pls help.?
    mamma has come 2 know abt. father's 4 yrs. extra marital affair.mamma & papa r not talking 2 each other & papa is iin a state of depression.Pls.help me in bringing them close to each other.

    • ANSWER:
      Please do not get in the middle of this, it will only hurt you even more because right now all you see if on the surface and things could be a whole lot deeper than what you see. I know you feel helpless and want them to stay together but there is really nothing you can do. The only thing I would suggest you do is let them both know how it is affecting you and it is not healthy, maybe suggest they seek marriage counseling or family counseling. Know that everyghting happens for a reason. So even if they don't end up toghether in the long run, know that it may be the best option for everyone even though it doesn't seem like it now. Good Luck!!!

  8. QUESTION:
    Can marriages SERIOUSLY work?!?
    it seems now, that everyone who gets married eventually gets divorced in 5-10 years. i know there are marriages that work, but these seem to be from the older generations (people in their 60's/70's).

    nowa days, we live in a world of convenience. why go to the shops and buy stuff, when we can order online? why save up money when we can just use our credit card? why work out at a marriage when we can get a divorce?!

    also it seems people take each other for granted, the media's brainwashed us into thinking there's always someone we can be having sex with when things aren't 100% with our partners. but when is ANYTHING ever 100%? why can't we just look at the person we've got and say "actually, i'm pretty damn lucky!"

    my mother and step dad are in the process of getting divorced it was one F*CKED up marriage! seriously, really, really f*cked up. my father's marriage to her wasn't much better either, he got severe depression five years ago (because of the marriage/divorce), that's he's only just recovering from. my step dad's a really nice guy, yet he's got cheated on, his last wife committed freud and his first wife took custody off him for his kids just because he was in the navy and didn't get to see them very often!

    can you actually tell me a LOGICAL, DECENT reason to get married? oh yeah of course how did i forget the big L-O-V-E... sure it exists, not. i've seen some pretty ugly marriages and i refuse to end up like my heart-broken step dad or my clinically depressed father. yes it's because of my mother (she's a psychopath) but i've seen some really ugly marriages outside my family too. my step-dad actually advised me to never get married!

    if you say "oh well my marriage is fine" and you're still in your 20's, how can you even be sure it'll last huh? apparently we change so much over the course of our lives, we could be a different person every decade. the institution of marriage is BULL and i want to know why people do it when it usually ends so badly? please enlighten me.
    gun to your head, really? i doubt it, unless you're saying that for money reasons.
    there's no "common demoniator", my mother's been married three times also. and so have a lot of people i know. people who remain married, seem just to be putting on a show for everyone else. no one seems geniunely happy. i'd rather die than go through another divorce.

    • ANSWER:
      Marriage, just like anything else, CAN work. There are many people that don't respect or understand the institution of marriage but crave and want it. These are the people that tear it apart. Men who want sex, but don't want to commit to one woman, women who get pregnant to trap a man and in some case have as many babies as she has had men, people who get married and refuse to give up some part of their single life while vehemently refusing to put anything positive into their marriage, anyone that will engage in an affair with a married person and likewise those who are married looking for something on the side, swingers...the list goes so far on.

      But there are those of us that take marriage seriously. Those of us who protect our marriage by putting it first. We treat those things I listed above like the mythological vampires in the sense that we don't welcome it in. And yes, it knocks at the door but not everyone is weak.

      I really feel sorry for you though. Because your idea of the ideal marriage is that a person has to be 60 and 70 years old. That means that you have let society drag you down and unfortunately you tend to live in the one you are a part of. That means that if the right person did come along you wouldn't even have the wherewithal to recognize them and you will embrace the naysayers. It means you will become one of what I listed above because you can't see things differently. That is too bad.

      Best wishes!

  9. QUESTION:
    Happily married ppl only..?
    All I hear on here is divorce and affair. My husband and I are recovering from an affair and succeeding. I would like to hear some positive things about marriage instead of I want to cheat or how do I get a divorce. Any stories out there? Serious answers only plz.

    • ANSWER:
      A marriage that was good in all other ways before the affair, is worth the effort to save. People assume that any marriage that suffers from one spouse making the horrible choice to have an affair, is an unhappy marriage. But, affairs can and do happen in "happy" marriages. It can be about something lacking within the wayward spouse, a need for validation, an ego boost or such. Many say that they never planned to leave the marriage, but they feel to temptation and made very self indulgent choices.

      Many marriages can and do survive an affair. It takes time and lots of commitment and effort from both spouses. No quick fix, trust takes time and effort to rebuild. A few couples will say that their marriage ends up better than before, not because of the affair, but do to the intense effort put into rebuilding.

      Couples need to address the affair and problems around it. It cannot be just swept under the rug. It is not realistic or healthy to tell someone to just forgive and forget. We need to work on the problems, whether within the individual, or between the couple, or both. Short of a lobotomy, you do not forget. We learn from those painful times, memory serves a purpose to keep us from repeating poor choices.
      A study by Peggy Vaughn showed that couples who discussed the problems fully did better in recovery in the long run.

      For some, an affair is the last straw in an already very troubled marriage. For those, divorce may just be the best answer. But, it is NOT the answer for all.

      My H had an affair seven years ago, it was about him, his own struggles with depression and a failing business. It was devastating I through him out twice in the first two months. Then, I found that I still loved him. It was a complicated choice, but I decided to give rebuilding a try. It was a difficult road, especially that first year, even into the second. But, here we are seven years later and doing well.

      Some resources that might help:

      A good book:
      "Not Just Friends" by S. Glass

      A yahoo group that has many helpful articles and links in FILES about affair recovery. Not a good support board, not very active. But, loads of stuff in files.

      http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AffairsTalk/

      A few other helpful sites:

      http://www.dearpeggy.com/

      http://marriagebuilders.com/

      http://betrayedspouse101.tripod.com/

      Some support groups for those dealing with infidelity that you may find very helpful:

      http://www.lifesaviors.com/SI/

      http://survivinginfidelity.com/

      An ebook written for the former wayward spouse, to help them understand what is needed to help the betrayed spouse and earn trust again.
      http://aftertheaffair.net/

  10. QUESTION:
    Trying to save my marriage by separation. What to do?
    My wife and I are now currently separated. This is due to her affair with a co-worker. At first she wanted a divorce to see where a possible future she could of had with her co-worker. I pleaded to her to not throw away 9 years of history away and that I love her and that we can work out our issues. We went to see a counselor who recommended us to try a separation, so she can find herself and what she wants. After a month of separation we see each other more often than not. The times we do see each other were very cordial, this whole situation has not been a one filled with hate and anger.
    Recently she has told me that she is not talking to the other guy anymore and that she has seen him for the two-faced guy that he is. I am of course happy to hear that. Since that time I have been trying to get her to reconnect and reopen her heart back up to me so we can try and repair the damage done. From the signs given and words being said. I feel like the situation is on the up and up. But she still wants the separation to find herself. I can live with that. But at the same time I don't want to lose any good momentum that we have going again. I'm not sure any more how to give her the separation she needs. I fear that the process still might take her away from me. She has said that she can see a good and positive future with me. I'm looking for advice/help on how to give her the space while still trying to have some contact to keep the good momentum going. Any help please.

    Thank you for taking your time to read this and possibly helping me.

    • ANSWER:
      My spouse and I did this for awhile. I told her although the consular told her this was the way to do it. I didn't agree. I told her I would like to speak with the counselor and have a one on one with her. I did counseling myself years ago.
      I told her or asked her, how could we "work things out" when the counselor keeps suggesting we stay apart for weeks at an end without talking ? it didn't make sense. We've went through this before. She had a manic depression problem and just got started on medication. She had several affairs that we were working on. I told her we needed to be together to work on our problems. We eventually did.
      Your situations seems to be one way, your the one doing all the begging and promises making. She had the affair, not you. She should be the one to make the new promises to you and a way to start over. It sounds like your the one making them to her and you did nothing wrong.
      I think you should continue your life and stop begging her, let her live her life in what she wants. When and if she decides she wants you back then it's up to you to decide if you wanted her back. If shes out there trying out other guys then I don't know why you'd want her back.

  11. QUESTION:
    If you need advice about marriage?
    If you are religious and believe that marriage is so sacred and you don't want to end your marriage without trying your utmost , and you have a 22 month old daughter , whom do you seek for help first , a marriage counselor or a psychiatric ? I hope to get some advice from some specialists here (please mention it ) thanks !!

    • ANSWER:
      Okay, look, stay away from psychiatrists. Most of them are nuts. I'm not kidding. I used to work with doctors and the psych guys were all a bit off base, some more than others. But a good marriage counselor should be helpful.

      You are wise to do all you can to save your marriage. My heart goes out to those of you who have kids and want to do all you can to work it out for the sake of your children. There are so many studies that show that children of married couples do so much better than those of divorced parents. Divorce is hell for you and hell times two for your children. It is a thing to be avoided.

      Go interview a few therapists. Stay away from those who are going to help you two communicate. You cannot communicate your way out of a bad marriage. Find somebody who will work with the two of you on reinforcing your affection for one another. Take time to think about why you got married in the first place. Take time with your husband and remember the good times in your earlier marriage and when you were courting. Do all you can to re-kindle the old feelings that brought you two together.

      Your husband is lucky to have a woman like yourself. Most women these days just pack it in and file for divorce. You are a rare find these days. On some level, your husband must know this.

      Go to a bookstore and look at all the books they have on marriage. Find one along the lines I described. Something that works with your natural affections for one another.

      Communication isn't your problem. It's a lack of understanding of each other and a lack of affection and appreciation. If there is alcohol or drug addiction, you must address that before you can get anywhere. If that's there then start there. If that's not there, you can proceed directly to the next step (above). Also, make sure nobody is suffering from extreme depression and that nobody is having an affair or thinking about having an affair or developing emotional attachments outside the marriage.

      From there, it's hard work. But it's worth it.

      You will do fine. Just choose wisely. Choose a therapist that will get you going in a positive direction. Not one who will encourage you to dredge up all the crap in your marriage and sling mud at each other.

      Your goal is a very noble one and I wish you the best of success. I wish more people felt as you do.

  12. QUESTION:
    Any Suggestions To Help Me Save My Marriage?
    My wife and I recently emigrated and as we arrived here on my wife's visa she went straight out to work while I have been at home tending to the kids and the house. My wife really likes her new job and very quickly started doing a lot of overtime and when home was acting strange when using the computer.
    Long story short she has been using facebook to send and receive highly charged and inappropriate messages with this man who is also married with children. I reckon she has been spending extra time at work to be in his company and don't believe they have actually had an affair although they may as well have as my whole world ended when I intercepted some of the messages.
    My wife and I had it out big time and as the messages continued beyond that we split and were living separately for the last month but have decided to try to save our marriage on the understanding this is our last shot.
    Problem being, my wife finally admitted that she had feelings for this man and that is why she had kept messaging him. She says she still loves me and is still in love with me but doesn't love me the way she used to.
    Despite the fact I am very bitter about what has happened I want nothing more than to resolve this as I haven't always been a pleasant man as I suffer depression and have no doubt I helped push her into this.
    I want to now spend some quality time with my wife and try and remind her why she fell in love with me but I am so down at the moment with all this happening and feel I am down a hole at the moment. My wife has distant family here but we have been in their company plenty now and can leave our kids with them which I thought might be an idea in a months time when she is next off at the weekend. I just don't know what to try and organise for this weekend though despite having the internet to look loads up. I just have no inspiration at the moment as so hurt but was wondering what others thought would maybe be some good ideas as desperate. We have recently emigrated to Perth, WA.
    I was also wondering if anyone been through something similar or experiencing at present as I have no one to talk to other than family back in my home country and they are not very supportive. Just wondering how others have coped/coping with this. Cheers

    • ANSWER:
      Talk to her in a calm manner, and ask what's going on, and you are considered because you love her so much... Tell her she is breaking your heart, and the family apart... Ask her if she wants to stay with you... If yes then tell her to stop this, it hurts you so much... If she doesn't tell her calmly to find a place to stay/rent, you settle en arraignment with the kids... and go on from there. I am so sorry for your wife's actions... :(

  13. QUESTION:
    Girlfriend, her ex, depression and emotional affairs...?
    Looong story so here's it in short:
    Ive been with this girl for about 3years however in the 1st year she kept talking to her ex (she had been with him for 5years) on the phone, skype loads of times a day, even whe she was supposed to be spending time with me. When i asked her about it she says they are just friends and i respected that especially given she has major issues with her family. During the second year i find out she has been having arguements with her ex over the fact that she had not told him about me and he found out about us via facebook. So they stopped talking because her ex said she shouldn't. Throughout the 2nd year she cried over him regularly but when i questioned her over it she only said it was because she missed him as a friend.
    I sat down with my girlfriend after this and tried to get stuff out in the open then all seemed fine for a couple of months. Then all of a sudden she starts crying and says that she was still not over him (almost 2years after we first said we loved each other!!!).
    Unfortunately then my girlfriend goes through a very tough stage in her life and is diagnosed with depression (child-abuse and family related) which i stayed with her to support her. For about 9months i put my issues aside while she was going through this stuff - even though i found her texting old guy friends about her ex and the fact that she refused to get rid of her ex's books and jewellery that i had told her really annoyed me back when we got stuff out in the open.
    Then, after 2.5years of our relationship i told her exactly how i felt about our relationship, that i felt disrespected and deceived by the fact that she had been telling her ex boyfriend that she loved him well into the time she was telling me she loved me and how she lied about her feelings towards her ex. Her defence was that she thought she was over him.
    So, in the last 3months she threw out a teddy she liked that her ex had got her, saying that "i like the teddy but i will throw it out if you want me to" to which i felt 100x better as i thought we were getting somewhere. However, i later found the teddy hidden in one of her draws while i was helping her tidy PLUS in the last 2-3weeks i have found out that she has been talking again to her ex and ALSO that she had saved his number under a girls name so i would not notice. In many arguements she said that she knew how i would feel if i knew and did not want to hurt me.
    We are still together regardless of all this, i told her that the deceit and distrust i feel will not go away quickly but will stay with her because she needs support. Then she comes out with, "you are making my depression worse and stopping me improving because you are not getting over your issues" which apparently her depression therapist agreed with.
    Then arguements turn into a downward spiral where i feel guilty for how i feel about our relationship when she is depressed and im not.

    Couple more points...her parents will probably force her into marriage in the next year or so; she is my first love so i think that has affected how we have responded to these issues in totally opposite ways.

    Am i to feel guilty? I feel angry but still love her. I think she still loves me. Am i really making her depression worse even though i am not the reason for her depression?

    Ive tried talking to a counsellor who said i should talk to her and not feel bad if she gets upset because i am not the reason for her depression.
    I think I feel guilty because i know im not helping her depression. I don't think she feels guilty about what she has done to our relationship.
    If im honest, i see our relationship going as follows:
    ignore everything --> get married --> she feels better because she is living her own life but my feelings of deceit and distrust will remain --> we break up and divorse.
    Is the hope that marriage will stop her feeling depressed and hopefully she finds some sort of resolution the right thing to do even though i feel so unloving and unloved about my first love.

    Thanks for listening and any advice would be helpful.

    • ANSWER:
      You deserve to be loved by someone who LOVES you back the same. Someone who respects and cares about you. It sounds to me that she would be with her ex if she could be and you have always been second string to her. She has been USING you to fill the void when she never should have started dating you while still hung up on him in the first place. It wasn't fair.

      You cannot be responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. If you leaving her would make her depression worst then she should have treated you better so you would stay! You cannot take her abuse simply because she is depressed. It doesn't give her license to miss treat you and expect you to stay around.

      I know it is tough but you really do deserve better. The sooner you end this toxic relationship that doesn't seem to make you or her happy the sooner you will be open to meet someone new. To find someone who loves and respects you back. Why waste more time on this when the failure is eminent?

  14. QUESTION:
    I need to save my marriage, is there still a chance?
    I have been an insecure, nagging, snooping wife for the last couple of months. I was convinced that my husband was cheating but never found anything on him. I used to be full of life, enjoyed it to the max, felt beautiful and smiled 24/7. During this time (rough time in my marriage) I started feeling less attractive and not good enough for him. We have argued too much and now that he is trying to work things out (if not our marriage will end like right now) I have decided that I want to return to who I used to be. I am told by many people that I am a beautiful person inside and out and have a great personality but I just can't seem to think the same way. I want to stop trying to find something on my husband and go back to normal. Can someone please help me on giving advice on how to do this. I am attending counseling and I work and go to school full time but I know that I have lots of insecurities. Please help, I want to leave this stupid depression behind!!
    Husband and I have been working out and I've lost 14 pounds already. I was at 125 and now 111. He says he loves me dearly and thinks I am beautiful but he is not a very affectionate person and won't show it or say if often. I just feel that he has matured and his "likes" have changed. I can't seem to trust him and it really hurts, the only thing he has ever done is lie here and there but nothing major and his excuse for this is that he lies to avoid arguments. He also says that he needs privacy at least with his cell phone since he used it for work and personal. I am just paranoid and the cell phone always seems to be the cause of our arguments. He has left the phone at home while out to the store and never recieved calls or text and he says I can go through it whenever I want but why do I still feel that I can't trust him?
    No evidence that he has ever cheated at all. Small misunderstandings have popped up but where cleared. I was not the person to look through his phone but I do have the online password to check amount of text messages and all the calls. He says he has nothing to hide and I can check and compare to his phone.

    • ANSWER:
      if your relationship is in a rough patch and you beleive your husband is cheating, then he "might" be cheating.

      you know your husband the best, and usually a woman's instinct is very accurate.

      If your relationship is never open about sharing cellphone information, then i believe he deserves that privacy with the phone

      SO let's consider scenarios (cheating or not cheating)

      If it turns out he's cheating and you want the marriage to work,
      then you will have to pretend as if nothing is wrong.
      Just give him a wide hug when he gets home.
      Be someone you were once when he found you attractive enough to marry you of all women.
      eventually, he will come to his senses.
      BUT, if you feel disgusted the fact he's cheating and want to divorce him,
      then be a smart girl and record any evidence of his affair. It helps when you file a lawsuit.for divorce.

      if it turns out he's not cheating, then do the same thing. happy ending.

  15. QUESTION:
    Time to end my marriage?
    I was in love with a beautiful woman for 14 years. Unfortunately, I got caught up in a bad job, heavy workload, stress and an abusive boss. My hours slowly began to increase over a 2 year period and I had to travel around the world. Over the past year I worked 16 hour days plus weekend work, conference calls along with being tied to a blackberry. I was trapped and did not know how to get out of it. I nearly died from the workload and stress. We needed my paycheck to pay for private school, my wife s compulsive shopping for stuff, home repairs and improvements, dogs, vet bills, dog walkers and so on. My wife has a part-time job and I gave her total control over our finances when my son was born 9 years ago. She said it was a trust issue. During this time we spent everything that I made. In addition, my wife wanted to be independent and have a balance between career and being a mom. My salary fronted 3 different business ventures for her that all failed and cost us tens of thousands over the years.
    I am ashamed of myself but under extreme stress I yelled at my son twice. I think I have yelled at him 5 times in 9 years. I also got close to my wife one day and raised my voice to her. I apologized later but she yelled at me for something and I don t know what I was doing. I yelled at my wife maybe twice in our 13 years together. We used to kid each other about our families until one day she did not find it funny. I agreed we would not make fun of our families. Also, she said I made mean comments about them when in fact they were insensitive, they were not meant as mean. Things I said were I wish I had time to go out for ice cream
    My wife claims she tried to get me out of my crisis, I remember just her yelling at me that I am never home and I would reply with what can I do for now. I did try looking for another job but I had to maintain a level of income to pay for the above. I spoke to a counselor who told me my wife has underdeveloped coping skills. She did what she knew how to under stress. I am sure she thought I was having an affair or I did not love my family. In fact, I have never really bought myself anything over the years, never hung out or took weekends with the guys and even gave up watching sports to be with them. Even though I was controlled by my job I was still doing it out of love and to give them a better life. The counselor informed me that my wife had to invent some reason for her depression because of her lack of coping skills. She had to come up with the reasons within parameters that allowed her to develop a course of action. During this time she never got a babysitter to take me out of the house to talk to me. Did not offer to come to my job and have lunch to see my environment. Never tried to get her family to watch my child and take me away for a weekend to talk me out of my crisis. I can understand, she probably thought she would learn something she did not want to know. She did not even suggest we go to counseling before she unleashed hell on me. In June she started to talk to me about my relationship with my son. I heard her and was working towards winding down my workload. I did not know she was in crisis. Two months later she calmly told me how she checked out , she lost her best friend and I had to work my way back into their lives. I got this and understood that I had to take control back over my life. Unfortunately, it was too late and now we are in marriage counseling. My wife says it will not work because she can t get past the fact that I was mean and she can t understand under extreme stress, people can act out of character.
    My wife has a double standard, during our life together she struck me across the face twice. She has not done it since I warned her. While I was in my work frenzy she constantly yelled at our son and said, You see how he is and you know why I yell .
    She exhibits periods of road rage and even tried to run over an old man that stole her parking space. All excusable because sometimes you do get mad; but I can t.
    The worse part, prior to her final conversation she plotted a specific course of action. She attempted to build a case and file a complaint against me as an abusive spouse. I dedicated my life to her and she tried to jeopardize my ability to see my son, future relationships and even potential employment. All because I worked myself into exhaustion and yelled at her once. When she could not get any independent parties to back this claim based on my actions she did something else. She posted an ad on the internet and began dating other men. After our talk and while I was working back into our relationship she was actively dating. Even in marriage counseling she was still dating. I found out by accident, she took time off from work, arranged for babysitters, tried to hook up while my son attended an event. I read all the emails. She slept with another man and I had to read all the details. She wrote terrible things about being married, that I was a violent man and that my son was a burden. Of course in between acting like a prostitute and just staying with me for the paycheck while she played the field. The married man she was involved with even offered to pay her for sex. She endangered the welfare of our child, she could have been stalked at home or beaten during one of her meetings and no one would know her whereabouts.
    Anyway, I forgave her and took responsibility for this saying I created the conditions. She never said she was sorry. It looked like we were getting back together, still going to counseling and I even flushed my career. I told my employer that I was moving my family back to her home state. That s when things changed, for the past 6 weeks she has administered an extreme emotional and psychological beating on me. All under the guise of that I am mean and she is afraid of me.

    Am I really the mean one?

    We have never told the counselor about her actions and behaviors. My wife likes to ask for advice from an online organization. She never tells them what she has done. I found her latest email, 2 days after I flushed my career she wrote them that she does not like me and would not even date me.

    In our last session she basically said that she liked her life and I was security but she can t get past my actions. She said she is afraid because she knows as a single mom she will start yelling at my son. I guess all I ever was to her is a paycheck.

    I have come to my senses and I am both sad and mad. I intend to issue an ultimatum this week that I know my wife will reject. I don t think I love her anymore and can t believe she killed feelings I had for her that lasted this long. I am afraid of her and ashamed at what she has done and tried to do to me. Am I crazy for trying to give her a last chance? I keep thinking that if she gets her act together our lives will be even better. Am I just stupid and hopelessly in love? I am also afraid of how she will treat our son as she tries to land her next sugar daddy. She will have a hard time finding another me. I am in the 30% club, never cheated, never took for myself and always thought of their needs first. Should I change when I start my new life?

    • ANSWER:
      you don't sound mean but you should really condense your question. and if it was me i would take my son and go back were you came from. then file for divorce if you don't take your son she will just use your him for a paycheck.and if you saved those emails were she said he was a burden and the others were she cheated on you it will go a long way in court then she will get nothing god luck.

  16. QUESTION:
    Still Not Working?? Marriage Help/Advice, Please.?
    My husband and I are seperated. I left him at September 1st and got an apartment wiht our 18 month old baby girl. He had elbow surgery last November and was fired from his job because of it. He would not get a new job, would not sue them. Just sat around collecting Comp.....did NOTHING. I worked, the baby went to daycare. Said I was nagging him to work (9 months later) and took a midnight job he hated. Treated me like crap, slept all evening and ignored us. I got tired of it all, so I moved out. He quit the midnight job and is not working. Now he has to have arm surgery again. Surgery is October 18th and he has plans to start a job late November. I get no help from him, very little child support.
    He says he was depressed and is sorry, and wants to work it out. But he is STILL not working. And I am still working full time, baby in daycare. He spends time playing with her, but leaves the parenting up to me. What to do? Try to work on it (still married to him) or move on?
    The timeline:
    November 2006 had surgery
    January 2007 cleared for light duty
    February 2007 cleared for full duty
    Febraury 2007 fired
    June 2007 really started fighting, thought about leaving, did not
    July 2007 he took midnight job to "shut me up". treated me like crap, ignored me and the baby.
    September 2007 I moved out

    I tried to make it work all year. I have a college degree and a career and a baby. I did it all. He admits that he was depressed and said he wishes he would have been better to us. But that does not change the 10 months I put up with. I did not leave him right after surgery. I did make him take a job, then leave him. I wanted him to do something with his life. be a real stay at home dad, or work, or go to school. Anything! But to work full time with a baby in daycare while he sat around the house?? No way. 5 months passed from when he was cleared to work til when he did. not like he did not have chances to fix things.

    • ANSWER:
      Tough situation for sure. Part of a dad's part in a marriage is to have a job. He doesn't. And what most men regard as their essential nature is what they do. I think you have two problems here.... a marriage probably on the rocks, and secondly, a guy who really doesn't know what happened to him because he became a parent. For sure he is suffering from depression (sad part is guys don't like to take the drugs that work...)
      First, something for you....

      I give you these four little things my mom hammered into my head beginning when I was 13:

      1. The most important decision you will ever make is who you marry. Choose with your head as well as your heart.
      2. Have no children until your bond is strong, and have no more than you yourself can support. You may just have to
      3. At any and all costs finish your education to qualify for those high paying jobs. It is likely that you will work sometime during your marriage, probably for decades . Get paid for it. And remember, your kids and your education are forever . Husbands, lovers and promises are not!!
      4. Have a stash of cash no one knows about even if you are sure you will never need it. You absolutely will, and the more the better.

      I can understand that he take some time off from surgery, but my husband had shoulder cuff surgery on a Thursday, had the weekend to recover, saw his doc Monday at 8:00, and was at his own job at 9:30. Don't know your hubby's personality, so can't judge. But it appears he's milking it for all it is worth. As well, I think you have a problem of what happened to your relationship --- and that comes with kids

      And the second part... what happened to your marriage, and your husband??
      Sweetie, you went from being the huss, the sexy fox, the lusty bed partner to pregger lady, then mom and housekeeper. And for him, he went from being the dude, the sex machine the man, the screwing king to father and provider--nothing he was really prepared for, as I read this posting.... And no one told you that this would happen to your cozy little relationship, did they? Your little relationship turned 180 degrees!!!!!! All we get told is , "OHHHH we're gonna have a baaayyyyyybeeeee, ain't that sooo romantic???". and it isn't.Parenthood is the toughest job, the most draining job on the planet..... You aren't what he married any longer, and he isn't what he was any longer, and being a father with lower testasterone (he doesn't know that yet) is just the shocker. And so men run, flake out, as he is doing, going into depression, or you do (some even go have affairs, and get some second lady preggers...)... You and he now have a child, and you no longer get to think of each other, you had, before you left, to get up, feed this kid, and he has to put up with your changing moods... great, huh?

      Kids are not bonding, hon, they are divisive. And kids need to be planned for...lots of couples don't plan... not REALLY plan!!! We ought to teach this stuff in hs, we don't. And as a public school teacher, my apologies, really unfair to young parents who have no idea what is going to happen when kids enter their marriage.

      I'm sure he has no idea what is going on in his head... He has no idea why he is depressed to the point of dragging out his recovery to the point that you had to leave just to survive.

      How do you fix this? You have to decide if there is anything even worth saving in this marriage... I believe that marriage is Respect, Admiration, Passion and Trust.... Do you have any of these left for him??? If you have none, and see no resolution in the future for your marriage, then end it sweets...life is too short to spend it disgusted, as you certainly are, and have every right to feel.. If you feel there is a reason to try, don't move back in until you have had a few sessions of counseling.... the problems will still be there, unresolved....pointless. Your marriage may indeed be savable, and you will find that out in counseling. As well, you may find that it is useless to go on. In either case, you'll cut your learning time, and be able to get on with repairing your marriage, or get on with your life without him
      Take pencil and paper, hon. You two are about to learn lots.... get your money's worth and take notes. Worth every dime.

      Your marriage can survive, and be even stronger. Or you each may conclude your are both better off apart.

      Soooo, I don't have a cure for your problems, only some food for thought.

      I hope this was helpful

  17. QUESTION:
    Confused about my marriage?
    I have been married for 5 years and I feel that I should end my marriage but i'm confused and my family thinks i should work it out. I have done somethings that i really regret and now i'm paying the price.

    My story:

    I'm 27yrs old and my husband is 37yrs old. I met him when i was 17 and he was my everything. We were christians and my husband was my best friend and my first for everything. We date throughout my college years and we got married 2 weeks after i graduated. My 1st year of marriage was tough because my husband engaged in an emotional affair with a woman he met online. He told me and i was hurt but i forgave him. We moved on and started to have a positive relationship.

    As time went on, I told my husband of a guy at work who i thought was very attractive. my husband expressed to me that the thought of me with another man turned him on and he coached me on how to seduce this man i was attracted to. His advice worked and i engaged in a affair with a coworker. After the affair, my husband stated that he felt betrayed and was hurt by my actions. I was hurt to because my self-esteem was damaged. we moved on and forgave each other .

    We moved on and one night my husband suggested that we go to a club together. We went to a club together and i danced all night with a man i connected with. i ended up having an affair with the guy and my husband started a relationship with another woman and we agreed to a open relationship. This was a huge mistake as it brought resentment, jealously, and division in our marriage. I was emotionally damaged and suffered depression.

    Now, my husband has ended his affairs and has shifted to gambling, smoking pot, and drinking. He's so self-destructive that i feel lonely and unappreciated. I have engaged in another affair because i feel that my husband is not there and i know that i'm wrong and i hate myself every day for the woman i have become. I seem to have lost everything that means anything to me.

    I have finally left my marriage and i'm confused because i really do love my husband, but i don't know what went wrong in my marriage. i don't even know how to begin to repair the damage we have done because we are so far gone. my husband has lost all of our money to gambling and since i have been gone, he is drinking 12-16 beers a day and smoking pot heavily. I don't want to go back into that environment because i know that it will bring me down and self-destruct me, but i can't help that i'm crying everyday for my husband that he will wake-up and change his life. my family is putting so much pressure on me to make my marriage work and i feel that i'm the cause of the marriage ending. my family is treating my like a child because i made a decision to go to a lawyer and start the divorce process. They think i should work it out, but i'm tired of going through all this hurt and negative behavior, but i love my husband and i want to see him reach his highest potential. can this marriage be saved?

    I'm so afraid to be alone and i don't know if i'm making the right decision of leaving the marriage because my family makes me feel like i'm immature and not capable of making mature decisions. I'm afraid that i will never find another man to love me because i'm not a good woman. I have done so many things wrong that is not deserving of respect and i don't know to repair the damage. I'm seeking counseling now but it's so hard to make decisions when you have so many people screaming at you of what to do. I'm a christian that has fallen out of grace and i don't even know how to win anymore. my husband doesn't believe in god anymore and i have hurt him so much and he has hurt me. How do i work through all of this pain because i'm so hurt that sometimes i feel like giving up on life.

    • ANSWER:
      Your family are idiots. YOu hit the nail on the head. He has chosen a path of self destruction.. a path he was bent on being on long before the beer or the pot. YOu two were too young to get married and have discovered the hard way how people cahnge over time.

      Best thing you can do now is to walk away and save yourself. Let him work out his issues for now. Then you can be there for him as a friend later if needed. You can't fix everyone... all the time... sometimes, they need to fix tehmselves to make it stick.

  18. QUESTION:
    What's the best way to survive marriage after infidelity?
    For the one who cheated and the one that is cheated on?

    Is it normal to bring it up often, get hurt easily, loose some of the respect you had, cry often, keep digging for info, always being suspicion etc even months after the incidence?

    What are the DOs and DONTs for both parties to make the healing process easier and restore love, trust and respect???

    • ANSWER:
      You just realized that your spouse has been unfaithful and cheated on you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like a ton of bricks.

      You have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. But you still fill sick inside when you think about the affair. Here's what you can do to get beyond the hurt, forgive your unfaithful spouse, and save your marriage.

      1. Don't make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognized and dealt with.

      2. Feelings are neither right or wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal.

      3. Take care of yourself. You may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulting concentrating and not wanting to eat or binge eating.

      4. Balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water and to have some fun.

      5. It's okay and healthy to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful spouses.

      6. Tears are healthy too. If they aren't coming naturally, put on some blues type music or watch a sad movie.

      7. Begin a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about your spouse's unfaithfulness.

      8. Ask all the questions you want.Talk with your spouse about the infidelity. However, you may have to accept that your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place.

      9. Seek counseling. Don't try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone.

      10. Take it one day at a time. Both you and your spouse should be tested for AIDS/HIVS and STD's before you resume sexual intimacy without protection. Consider what boundaries you need in your marriage in order to stay in the marriage. Contact an attorney and get these documented in a postnuptual agreement.

      11. Your children need to know that you are going to be okay. You can't hide the fact that you are going through a trauma. Be honest with your children, but don't weigh them down with details about how your spouse cheated on you. Don't make promises that you can't keep.

      12. Try not to get into the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity. It's just wasted energy. That includes blaming the third party. It won't change anything.

      13. You may have post-traumatic stress. If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can.

      14. It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful mate. Don't expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away just because you've tried to forgive your spouse and made a commitment to save your marriage.

      15. Get practical. Look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc.

      Tips:

      1. There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage, it could relate to something in your spouse's past. You may never truly know why it happened.

      2. Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier. Was it a one-night stand or an affair? Due to a mid-life or life crisis? A sexual addiction or an act of retaliation? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?

      3. Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.

      4. The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn't mean your marriage can't be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But it will be different.

      5. Think twice before you tell your family or your spouse's family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time.

      What You Need:

      Sleep
      Healthy diet
      Exercise
      Drink plenty of water
      Laughter
      Time
      Willingness to Forgive

      Peace.

  19. QUESTION:
    How do you rebuild marriage after 10 years of affairs and complications?
    Just to clarify the situation regarding "How to renew sex life with an unfaithful wife". We are working on Tirust, talking & sex. We have 2 kids (3 & 6 years), she feels that I shutdown & shut her out (which I thnk is true due to denial about accepting a family history of severe depression). My inactivity has also caused money issues. I have made mistakes & made her feel unloved. That's my burden to accept & get through. I feel it drove her out. HOWEVER, I do not take full responsibility for what she did. She made a choice & NEVER use condoms. STD tests were clean.There were conversations that ended unresolved. Her affairs was never one of them. If the kids were not a factor in this my decision would be simpler. We attempted counseling but decided we needed to be certain we both (really her) wanted to be in the marriage or wanted to try again. I would do anything to keep my kids from this pain, they are my soul. And I do still love her. Am I foolish for wanting to save my family?

    • ANSWER:
      you cant

  20. QUESTION:
    I had an online affair... how can I deal with the grief and move on?
    please - don't answer unless you actually have something helpful to share.

    I had a short online affair with a man I knew a few years ago and recently ended it. I told this person it was over and we would never "talk" again, and I meant it. Although, a few days ago, I sent him an email to say happy thanksgiving and to wish him well. I did that because i do wish him well and I had said somethings to him in our "final communications" that were not representative of how I felt and were quite hurtful. i thought this would make me feel better...

    my husband found out about the email and is rightfully hurt and angry. We are seeking marriage counseling because we do love each other very much and want to rebuild our marriage.

    In the meantime, I am feeling a lot of grief. I feel terrible for having contacted my affair partner behind my husband's back, and for hurting him - again. I also still have feelings for this person that I desperately want to get over. I feel withdrawn and
    I am having a difficult time even looking at or speaking to my husband. I think it's because of how badly I feel. I just feel stuck. I don't know what to say or do but I don't feel like talking and that's not fair to him. Could this be the beginning of a depression? I think I'm also having a hard time with how my affair ended. It didn't die a natural death - it ended because my husband found out and I made the choice to stop contact and work on my marriage... not because my feelings for this person stopped.

    could this also have something to do with why I feel so isolated and withdrawn? I could really use some advice.

    thanks
    also - I did know this man in person, we were friends a few years ago, so we didn't just meet on the net.

    • ANSWER:
      What a terrible predicament, you've hurt your husband and you still have feelings for this new man. You say that you want to save your marriage, yet you contact the other man again? That's not fair.

      You have to decide what you really want. If you want the other man, truly, then you need to make a choice and let your husband go so he can find a woman who treats him the way he deserves to be treated.

      If it's your husband you want to stay with, you need to not only do marriage counseling, but personal counseling and possibly see a real doctor for possible depression, because all you're doing is making yourself more miserable.

      Either man is going to to learn from this mess and go on, but you need to get your head together. You're not completely over the other guy, I think you've made your choice and you're only trying to save the marriage because you feel guilty and obligated to your husband, that's not a healthy recipe for any relationship.

      Be fair first to yourself.

  21. QUESTION:
    Qn for married people? Did you ever fall for someone else? How did it end?
    We all feel attractions in our lives. When this happens to a married person and the attraction is for someone other than your spouse, have you ever fallen for them? What did you do? Did you pursue an affair, leave your spouse or decide not to act on the attraction?

    • ANSWER:
      Dear Girl, this happened to me. I reunited with a former lover during my marriage. It went on for 8 months, because it was a long distance relationship, I didn't see him that often, but when we were together it was emotional and sexual. I realized I was doing wrong all along, but pushed it to the back of my mind and found fault with my husband to justify myself. But after a bit, I realized that this guy was no prize, and that I actually loved my husband. I broke it off with the other man and put all my attention into my husband...he never found out. That being said, that secret put up a barrier in our relationship and we lost intamacy that I could not get back. Fast forward 12 years and my husband had an affair with another woman. I found out...it wasn't pretty. Through all of this though, we became totally honest with one another. I told him about my affair and I realized how it damaged my marriage. We realized that we love each other very much. He broke it off with the other woman and we went to marriage counseling. It has been 1.5 years since this happened and I can say with all certainty that we are one again...in mind, spirit and body. Do I wish I had never had the affair..you bet! But in reality our marriage was restored better and completely different than before. Keep in mind that we both have gone through tremendous suffering and emotional upheaval and depression and it has taken a long, long time to be restored.

      My advice for you...take all the energy and interest that you see for the other person and put it back into your marriage. Infidelity is so wrong and betrayal will rip your heart open and your spouse too. In the end I found out that the grass is not greener...it just has had more manure put on it.

      Save yourself heartache and grief. If you don't love your spouse and there is no hope for a good marriage...leave it and then take up with someone else. Lies, deceit and treachery will breed the same back to you. Just my humble opinion.

  22. QUESTION:
    Want to end my marriage ASAP - I m Libra , my wife is Sorpio!?
    I want to give all maintainence expense for wife (housewife) and son (12 yrs). My wife is not ready to leave me-- just because of SOCIAL STATUS and harrasing me. I already filed for divoce. How to expedite that? Any tactics to make her agree in a mutual divorce which will eventually save money (for both ) and energy? I moved out 1ce in July 2009 and filed for divorce (case is still ON)- but came back in Oct due to my son. But I am in serious depression (under medical help ) sine then and now DETERMINED to break and stay ALONE. I might contact my old gfrnd after I move out agn in Jan 2010 (TOLD WIFE ALREADY). But without my divorce first, I cant move on WITH MY LIFE. I have desire to have new relation but in a kind of MESS now! My wife telling "Live separate- whats the need of Divorce".Like to mention, I had several affairs in last 10 years- now when I want to be honest and leave her- as I understand there is nothing kept in our marriage any more. She is forcing me to stay in marriage "only for our son". But I lost the reason for living any more!!! So please advice- I beg you ALL
    Sgupta- Kolkata, INDIA
    I have 3 options--
    -stay in my marriage
    -leave my marriage and go for divorce
    -end my life by self destruction
    Please advice me the best you can. I am what I am, you can judge and use foul languages. But ONLY I can feel my condition, and I wish none of you should never me in my condition.
    Please note that I stopped sex last 3 months with any1 (no sex with wife last 1yr).

    • ANSWER:
      'Zoi 'you don't know him personally,please don't judge any one with out knowing whole story.he telling his story,and we should answer to help him which way we can. by the way doesn't make seance to stay married, 'Son' it's poor excuse to waste time for nothing.you support her by money that's all she need..it's not gonna change any thing for your son,you married or divorce.if she don't sign paper.wait for one and half year more.after 2 Years court make your divorce she like or not she can't force you to stay married.until than enjoy your life which way you use to.now you don't have to worry about wife you way from her.just chill.

  23. QUESTION:
    My husband is having an affair (little long, but entertaining... HELP!)?
    With his friggin Playstation 3!!!

    My husband plays video games or is on the computer whenever we can be spending time together---and I'm talking about the last hours we have together in the evening and on our only day off together which is Sundays. Mostly video games, I'm talking 7 hours at a time, literally. He even goes online to these message boards with the people he plays with and he is more into that than our lives together. He wrote a post a while back saying (on the game forum) "come on guys what happened to our communication?" and yet HE doesn't communicate with me! I am reaching out to him but enough is enough!!!!

    Wanna hear something funny? I shampooed the carpets the other day, and it was literally hard to remove the stain in front of the TV where he plays! It's like a damn snow angel he left in the carpet!

    See, I come home from work whenever I'm done for the day, and I do like time for myself and he has his.. but I mean talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. I make a nice dinner, set the table up all nice, he eats and tries to leave me there after I cook for him to get back to the game. The other night, it was cold out after I got off work late and I had a lot of groceries to carry up 3 flights of stairs, I call him to help me up and he doesn't answer. When I get in, he says "oh, sorry I was playing".

    It's fine if he wants to play, but we barely have time together (we are both off on Sundays all day) and he plays from when he wakes up til he goes to bed. I DO understand the importance of having time apart, I need my time too. Like yesterday, I ended up resting most of the day because being awake and being around him isn't fun anymore. Plus I work full time too, and it's either sit and watch him play games or be by myself.

    We both work, but I have really questioned our marriage lately. It's getting to the point to where it's us staying married or the games. For a LONG time he was only working part time (4am-9am) and making every excuse in the book not to get another part time job, so that we are both making enough to save and live happily. The entire time he would play games, and say "no one is hiring"--he wasn't even trying to find a job in the first place.

    I found out he was using our SAVINGS ,000 in just a couple of months to make up for the money he wasn't bringing in since he got fired from his other job. I thought we had the trust where I don't have to log on our bank account and check our savings that was supposedly growing....

    My birthday came up, b/c of this gaming habit and him not working full time, it hurt when all he got me for my bday was Nabisco cookies and a rebate card with his name on it from our cellphone rebate. We have been married 4 years, I'm 27, he's 24---no kids because I feel like I already live with one. My career is important to me (I'm a hairstylist at a nice salon and I make good money but NOT enough to pay for everything) and yet he doesn't have a clue what he wants in life. I have a feeling because he keeps playing games.

    I am considering counseling. Don't plan on getting pregnant and no he is not depressed. I want him in my life, but I don't need him if this continues. It's gotten this bad.

    I talk to him nicely, I turn into a b*tch at times, and still nothing. I even threatened leaving b/c this is hurting us in every way. I just feel like a piece of ass to him, nothing is wrong with our sex life to him- he always tries to grab me and slap me on the butt and flirt but its not attractive anymore if all he wants is sex and then that's it.

    What to do? Have you had this problem? Soon it will be GAME OVER.

    • ANSWER:
      Hey girl, as a previous game addict and with one who has a slight addiction I have to say I feel you. Though the whole thing is we were both gamers and sometimes it would be him getting the cold shoulder from me and my computer games.

      Now you say you have talked to him, but have you really talked to him? It seems like hubby is being a big baby. He needs to grow up and face some facts and they re probably ones he s not going to like. Everything you said to us? You need to say to him. Seriously. Turn that game off, sit his butt in a chair facing him, and say We Need To Talk. And if he s smart he s going to tune in real quick. Those are the magic words.

      Counseling would probably be good for you both after you ve told him what you ve said here you need to tell him that the only way that you two will work as a married couple is if he agrees to go to counseling and get some control under his gaming. It s not fair to you that you re working all day and he s working hardly at all and spending your money. I m sure he ll throw some sort of depression whining card about not being able to get a job well you see him sitting in front of the TV all day, how is he looking for one? Call that man out! He s getting away with it like he s a teenage boy living at mom and dads.

      Since you want to save this marriage, which is a first step. The second step is getting your husband on board to the train of Marriage Repair. Honestly, your best course of action is telling him what you have said here and then both of you getting counseling. He needs some structure in his life work, chores, quality time with the wife, and then quality time with whatever he wants to do. It s not okay to sit in front of a TV all day every day to play video games. A good idea, turn off the cable. He cannot play with people online that way. Also he needs to get more hours at the job he has or pick up another job. No more excuses, he used your savings, which means it s time for him to change.

      Good luck, hope it works out! God Bless!

  24. QUESTION:
    which way to go...broken marriage or promising future?
    hi...after struggling with my problems for yrs i thought of taking advice and here i found your site.i have two issues and hopefully you will help me take better decision.
    1.
    i have been in a relation for 12 yrs.7yrs of courtship and 5 yrs of marriage but our relation is indifferent for past 3 yrs ever since my husband cheated on me.his affair lasted for 8-9months during which i lost my pregnancy too.it took me time to get over depression n he helped by being around always.he said he was sorry and want to save marriage.my feeling for him are no more same.i love him but cant stand him even touching me.i dont trust him n often find him staring at other girls.our values are different n we have communication gap increasing by each passing day.i want to end this relation but family and frens r asking me to save it any cost.i dont hate him but his presence makes no diff. having him is just like having room mate and both of us have our own personal lives which other is now not aware of.am i wrong by taking divorce decision.
    2.a yr back i met a very nice guy.after knowing each other for few months we realised it something special and that we are in love.we confessed our feeling but we are still not in relationship as i am still married and he has son from his previous marriage.he says he loves me a...as much as he loves his son,mother and brother but he doent wanna get too much involved at this time.he said, i am just asking you for some time as i have few projects in hand and i need to finish that and meantime i want you to get more independent.focus on your marriage coz even if relation fails,your career will alway serve you.he want friendship to be base of our relation and not physical attraction thats why we always meet at public places.he says after separation he has dated few females but after meeting me his search is over and he can very easily see me in his future.we talk like friends.because of his work he avoid my calls and msgs at times and we end up talking once in 10days but if i m stressed or in pain he reach me at a drop of hat(he is not in same town)he hate confrontation but still try his best to explaing things incase any problem crop up in between us.his frens n family is super nice with me.he is cold when it comes to being romantic but his logic is that at moment he doent wanna get too emotionally attached.
    my husband wants me to stay in marriage, though we staying separately for quiet some time and this new guy also feel its better to save already existing relation and will happily move out of my life if i decide to do so.
    what should i do???
    i feel i should not think about other guy whom i met a yr back.(tho i love him and i am confused what he wants)even if he doesn't commit to marriage and my own fear of being alone should not be a reason for me to stay in marriage.me and my husband stay separately and meet at times outside as frens and even go out for movies or shopping but apart of that i have no information as in whats going on in his life.ever since i am on my own i am doing very well,i have registered my own company now and earning well which gives me further confidence but i dont wanna hurt my husband who has tried saving marriage too.

    • ANSWER:
      You have a habit of picking up losers. Your husband is a loser and this new guy is a bigger loser. If this new guy was wanting you for anything more then a booty call he would be demanding that you leave your husband. But he only comes up with excuses as to why he isn't ready to get emotionally involved.

      Sweetie please tell me your not this dense. Your boyfriend id married or in a relationship. Your husband is at least trying.

      Leave them both and make your way on your own.

      Good luck

  25. QUESTION:
    A wonderful lady to replace a cheating wife?
    I found out about my wife's 6 months affair last year and ever since then I went through bad depressions and landed in hospital twice. It was really bad for me but I have not divorce her yet. Recently, I met a wonderful lady who seem to click with me real well and listened attentively to every word. She is not demanding and would share the simplest meal with me. Very comfortable to be with and she is willing to love me for what I am. Should I accept her? We are not intimate yet. She gets along very well with my son and friends compliment her cheerfulness and sincerity. One good quality lady. NO INSULTS PLEASE. I need opinions and sincere ones. Thank you

    • ANSWER:
      I am going to write to u from the bottom of my heart and will allow u to contact me via email and i will share with you my experience.
      See,i am 42 years,married with 3kids and 1 on the way in 3 months.
      10 years ago my wife cheated and ends up aborting a baby from the other man and kept it secret till a whistle blower told me the deal last year,that was 10yrs of a kept secret.However i confronted my wife and she confessed to every little detail of the affair.There is nothing she did not tell me about the affair,even the DK size of the man she told me and also why she did it.
      In all,my wife became a born again 8yrs ago but could not confess to me but she did to her pastor who warned her not to tell me becos we had 2 kids by then.
      Now,since i know the affair,i hv lost respect,Love,and trust for her and i am sure it will never come back.But for the sake of my kids i am hanging on till the wind blows the marriage build on weather.
      A happy marriage requires 3 things - love, trust and respect. If any of these 3 things is not present, the marriage cannot be a happy marriage. You can try to substitute any of these 3 with things like children, save face for society, money matters etc but it wont be a happy marriage.
      That is why everyone should know that adultery rocks every marriage to its very foundation (which is the 3 things). Now with the foundation broken, whatever you build on top of it may stand in good weather but when the wind comes, it will fall.
      Her adultery made you loose respect and trust for her.The love may still be there but u cannot respect her. If you had respect for her, you would not have seen this new one by now.So now that respect is gone and she also has to lower herself even further in order to keep you (loosing more respect in the process), I truly truly wonder. Maybe she will win the lottery and you will see all the respect for her coming back. But without the respect, nothing will stop you from moving on without her and besides nothing will stop you from looking around with the next available woman cos I know you would when the next opportunity comes, you will say to yourself "Why shouldn't I take it? After all, if it was my wife she would keep it secret..So your problem is not with your wife,it is your own. Do you respect your wife enough say No when Halle Berry opens her legs for u??
      I know all this because I have a lot of friends who cheat on their very beautiful wives/husbands with 100 others becos they lost respect.
      Usually when there r children,Guys/girls will wait to suck it in for the children s sake but in the end that marriage falls.What i will say is,try to save it for the kids sake and if it does not Move on and let her learn from her mistake,life goes on.It is not the mistake but what you learn from It.
      "Thou shall not commit adultery"
      For the new woman,be patient for now,all may seem cool but when u are in it it changes.Learn from when u first got married and make the calculation to when the affair happened.Dont rush in to it.My wife whistle blower wants me to marry her and divorce my wife.
      YES,i will end up divorcing but will live for my kids and no more marriage.I already have children and dont need more drama.Becareful with new marriage,it may be too soon for you my friend
      Good Luck
      email me at jacksabss@yahoo.com


saving a marriage depression after an affair ends